Wondering if mediation is right for you? Here’s what you need to know, from licensed attorney and mediator Alison Patton, who blogs at LemonadeDivorce.com. Have questions? Ask in the comments.

Here’s what you need to know about mediation:

1. Many divorce cases are suitable for mediation (even when there is ongoing conflict; even when trust is damaged from an affair).

2. Mediation can involve just one mediator and be low-cost, or can involve outside experts (such as an accountant, a financial advisor, and consulting attorneys). You decide what you need and what you can afford.

3. Other than doing your divorce yourself, mediation is often the least expensive and fastest way to get divorced. It is the most “hands-on” and you control the process. Perhaps for this reason, couples rarely have “mediation regret” — even in cases where no agreement was reached.

So your real task, when considering mediation, is to check for any compelling reason NOT to mediate — the “red flags.” If any of these factors exist in your situation, mediation may not be right for you.

The following red flags are likely to result in failed mediation or an agreement you’ll regret:

• There’s an imbalance of power. If you can’t advocate for yourself or stand up to your spouse in a negotiation, you know you will “cave” under pressure. (Note that one solution is to have a consulting attorney participate in the mediation, or set the ground rule that you won’t finalize/implement any mediation agreements until your consulting attorney has “signed off.”)
• One or both of you truly doesn’t care what happens to the other person — or one or both of you is completely unable to understand the other’s needs and perspective.
• There is emotional or physical abuse in the relationship and you fear standing up to your spouse.
• Because of what you know about your spouse’s mental and emotional state, your strong gut instinct is that the mediation will become just another opportunity for drama and emotional attacks, and will therefore be an unproductive forum.
• You have good reason to believe your spouse is about to take or dispose of assets. (In this case, you need immediate legal help from an attorney representing you, not a mediator.)
• Your child is at risk of being taken out of the area or state by the other parent without your permission, or there is any other urgent matter involving your child that reeks of foul play. (Consult an attorney immediately to see whether you need formal restraining orders. You may be able to mediate once the restraints are in place, but again your first stop is your lawyer’s office, not a mediator.)
• You have a serious lack of trust in your spouse or you believe that your spouse lacks goodwill and will try to use mediation to get a legal advantage. For example: You think your spouse is hiding assets or lying and will continue to lie even if confronted in mediation. In this situation, you may need legal tools that cannot be offered in mediation, such as court orders, depositions, formal discovery/disclosure. Another example: You think your spouse will use mediation to pick and choose what he/she wants to resolve first to his/her advantage, but won’t reciprocate when it comes time to resolve the other matters. I’ve seen this happen most frequently when a couple comes in to resolve temporary custody as the first line of business. One parent pushes the other parent in mediation to agree to a certain custody plan “in the name of peace,” appealing to the other parent’s desire to avoid conflict. Then a few months later, after getting what he/she wanted, the parent drops out of mediation and won’t compromise on other matters. The agreeing parent ends up feeling “played” and can get stuck with an undesirable custody and parenting plan.

If one or more of these red flags apply to your case, consult with a reputable divorce mediator or family lawyer before deciding whether to mediate.

Family Mediation Services is a leading and experienced Divorce Mediation and Family Mediation firm in Denver Colorado. Handling all matters regarding mediation of divorce and other family disputes. Kristi Jensen is a professionally trained, certified family mediator.

Family Mediation Services
4601 DTC Blvd. #1000
Denver, CO 80237
303-346-1670 (phone)

The decision to divorce is a huge one. But the next biggest decision you will make is the type of divorce you want. If you want a “good divorce” — one that is amicable, based on mutual cooperation and fairness — don’t leave it to chance. This article will outline the secrets to a good divorce, and explain why mediation is the best choice you can make.

We have all seen “bad” divorces. These are divorces which quickly become adversarial and toxic. In the wrong hands, this type of divorce can result in a series of battles that are costly on many levels and leave lasting scars. The most important thing to realize is that, no matter what has occurred, you have choices regarding your divorce proceedings and the chance to achieve a good divorce.

So, what are the secrets to a good divorce?

1. Start with the end in mind. Decide early on the sort of post-divorce relationship you want to have. If you want to part on good terms, commit yourself to that path. Otherwise, it is easy for fear and mistrust to take hold, leading to hostile exchanges that quickly escalate. The sooner couples commit themselves to a cooperative divorce, the better. A good rule of thumb is to start out cooperating with your spouse and continue cooperating as long as the cooperation is reciprocated. If things have already derailed it’s harder to stay on course, but with the help of a skilled and experienced mediator, many couples are able to transition to a more cooperative track.

2. Take a long view towards the future. A good divorce lays the foundation for your own future happiness and the well-being of your children. After divorce, many divorced couples enjoy a life-long friendship. Other couples choose to sever ties, but have achieved peace and closure and are truly able to move forward in their lives.

3. Do your homework. Think about the future. Where do you want to be in one year? Five years? What will you need to enable you to get there? Before making any agreements, be sure you have a clear understanding of your joint and separate finances, as well as the relevant law. Consult with legal, financial and tax professionals as needed.

4. Get emotional support. Strong emotions are normal and to be expected in divorce, including disappointment, anger, betrayal, guilt and grief. Allowing yourself time to feel and address your emotions will help you in the long run. It enables you to be more objective and make better financial decisions. Conversely, if you have not dealt with your emotions, it is likely that they will be played out in the divorce process. For example, people with built-up anger frequently use the legal system as a way to hurt each other and take revenge. This will guarantee a bad divorce — one that is far more costly, protracted and difficult than it would otherwise have been. Ask your mediator for referrals to therapists, divorce coaches and support groups as needed.

5. Move beyond blame. One of the hardest things in a divorce can be to move beyond blame. Blame gives people a sense of being “right.” It also keeps them focused on the other person, and can leave them feeling powerless. Regardless of the circumstances, you can empower yourself by focusing on you and taking responsibility for your life and your life choices. It can be difficult, but is the path to health and happiness.

6. Choose a process that supports your goals. If you hire traditional lawyers and engage in an adversarial court process, you can surely expect more conflict and embitterment. If you want to foster a cooperative post-divorce relationship, pick a non-adversarial process, such as mediation, that supports a cooperative approach.

7. Be realistic about costs. The traditional court system is expensive. Most divorce attorneys require large retainers just to get started. Even for cases that settle, it is common for each spouse to pay attorney fees of $50,000-100,000 and much more. Like mediation, “collaborative law” offers a non-adversarial approach. But collaborative law is often equally or more expensive than court due to the expense of the four-way meetings between the couple and two attorneys. In addition to being non-adversarial, mediation may also the least expensive divorce process.

8. Invest in the best mediator you can find. If you decide to use mediation, the next most important decision will be choosing the right mediator. You need to find a mediator who is sufficiently experienced and qualified to guide you through the divorce process successfully. Equally crucial is finding a mediator who will understand and support your mutual goals, including any special needs of your situation (For a free guide on 10 Keys to Picking the Right Mediator, click here.)

For over thirty years, mediation has given many couples a way to achieve a good divorce. For these couples, maintaining an amicable relationship was a priority. At the start, they often weren’t sure how to achieve this or whether this was even possible, but they knew a good relationship was what they wanted. They also knew what they didn’t want — going to court, working with adversarial lawyers and paying exorbitant legal fees. There is often distrust in the mediation process at the beginning. However, for couples who are able to commit to the process, the success rate of mediation is very high.

Family Mediation Services is a leading and experienced Divorce Mediation and Family Mediation firm in Denver Colorado. Handling all matters regarding mediation of divorce and other family disputes. Kristi Jensen is a professionally trained, certified family mediator.

Family Mediation Services
4601 DTC Blvd. #1000
Denver, CO 80237
303-346-1670 (phone)

J. Richard Kulerski and Kari Cornelison
Posted: 02/ 6/2012 12:30 pm

They try to stay out of court. Despite their familiarity with the system, and despite any perceived advantage they are believed to have, they do everything they can to settle their case before it reaches the court system.

Divorce insiders try to resist the inclination to fight. They think going to court is a losing proposition. It wastes energy, time, and money and is a last resort; it is something they will consider only when there is no other choice.

Why are the pros more reluctant to fight than the public is? What do they know that the average person does not know?

They know what the divorce legal system looks like from the inside; and they see fighting it out in court as a waste. They are not misled by Hollywood, and the various lawyer shows on television, which have traditionally depicted courtroom justice as being clear-cut, instantaneous, and sure.

They regard litigation (taking the case to court) as a counter-productive force that destroys their chances of achieving a healthy negotiation climate.

They know the system doesn’t run on time and doesn’t have the magic that the public thinks it has. They know there are no winners in a divorce battle, and that the outcome of a divorce trial can only define the extent of how much they will lose.

Their experience is that everyone leaves the litigation process feeling frustrated, disillusioned, and poorer. They see going to trial as an emotional vampire that sucks the spirit out of people; they liken it to mental cruelty all over again.

Divorce insiders know that over 90 percent of all divorce cases settle before trial, with many settling on the very eve of trial. It makes no sense to them to spend months (and lots of dollars) gearing up for a trial that, statistically, isn’t going to happen. They would prefer to spend their energy and family funds working toward an early out-of-court settlement, rather than following the typical pattern of waiting until the end of the case to begin serious negotiations.

Because more than nine out of every 10 divorcing spouses reach a settlement before they ever get before a judge, insiders realize they will not get to vent and speak their minds in court. They will be deprived of the opportunity to tell the judge about the injustices, the dishonesty, the betrayal, the adultery, the lies, the pain, the unfairness, and most of the other things that the public thinks the judge should hear.

They know their emotions, feelings, and pain do not count in a courtroom. Instead, when deciding a case, the judge is duty-bound to stick to the facts and the applicable law. The judge is likely to be prohibited from considering their underlying humanity, which is the very fulcrum upon which they base their sense of justice and entitlement.

Even if they are the one out of ten litigants who do get the opportunity to testify in court, they know they still won’t be able to say what all they want to say. They will be allowed to speak only when answering questions put to them by the lawyers, and the rules of evidence will limit what the lawyers can ask.

Most people look to the judge to mete out the justice that their spouse has long withheld. Divorce professionals, however, know there is no back pay in divorce and that the court cannot consider misconduct in determining monetary or property awards.

In other areas of law, litigation puts an end to the problem. Divorce does bring legal closure, but it often causes additional family problems. The emotional devastation caused by litigation can last for decades.

Some people believe that divorce is where the guilty go free. To insiders, litigation does not provide any satisfaction to the disputants and only makes sense when there is a genuine need for it.

Family Mediation Services is a leading and experienced Divorce Mediation and Family Mediation firm in Denver Colorado. Handling all matters regarding mediation of divorce and other family disputes. Kristi Jensen is a professionally trained, certified family mediator.

Family Mediation Services
4601 DTC Blvd. #1000
Denver, CO 80237
303-346-1670 (phone)

More couples prefer to divide their assets themselves rather than pay for a long legal battle.
POSTED: 01/23/2012 01:00:00 AM MST By David Migoya The Denver Post

Kay Gilbert works at home as her 4-year-old yellow Labrador retriever, Hefton, looks on recently. Gilbert and her husband chose mediation to divide their property when their marriage ended. Helen H. Richardson, The Denver Post
Keeping it on an even keel was about all Kay Gilbert hoped for when she saw her 30-year marriage unraveling.

The consultant to budding nonprofits surmised that a protracted legal battle before a District Court judge would dissipate the resources and assets that she and her husband had acquired through the years.

“We just didn’t want to spend more than what was necessary and go before a judge to take our chances,” Gilbert said. “We’d heard of mediation and decided it was the best plan to try. You have to get through the blood-letting, to learn how to separate anger and reality and keep it focused on fairness.”

Gilbert is part of a growing trend in which splitting couples, still smarting from the shock of divorce and the toll of a slumping economy, are choosing to handle their own division of property.

In Colorado, couples filed separation agreements — generally, though not always, a precursor to final settlement decrees — in 72 percent of divorces last year, up from 60 percent in 2007, according to the Colorado Judicial Branch. The number of divorce cases filed rose from 2007 to 2010, then dropped slightly last year.

Gilbert said the couple spent extra time with a financial planner whose expertise was in divorce. She had heard too many horror stories from friends and acquaintances who had taken a divorce route directly through a judge.

“Among our friends, we were the ones not yet divorced,” said Gilbert, musing that her social network’s pains were her education. The final agreement needs a judge’s sign-off, which is still months away, she said, but is expected to happen without pause.

Too often, say those who work with divorcing couples, acrimony and emotional pain get in the way of clear thinking, leaving a judge to determine how assets are ultimately divided. The split is not always made in a way that both sides feel is fair.

“I’m certainly seeing couples not staying together because the financial situation is so bad; I’m busier than ever,” said Natalie Nelson, whose Denver business as a certified divorce financial analyst helps couples manage the distribution of assets, both in hand and to come.

A mortgage mess that put one in five Colorado homeowners under water — owing more than their property is worth — only served to heighten anxiety.

“Three years ago, you heard a lot of folks having a hard time grasping what was going on financially, having difficulty integrating their financial situations into any discussion of divorce,” Nelson said. “Now they say, with their tail between their legs, how they tried to pay off their debt before coming in for help. They’re in a very different place.”

Though a downward trend in divorce suggests couples are staying married longer, the reality is that many chose to hold on through the tough economy merely because they couldn’t fathom a financial beating with so little to show in the first place.

“When either side refuses to mediate or it’s unsuccessful, the judge always decides. We’re certainly seeing more people who won’t roll the dice in front of a judge, especially since they’re hurting financially already,” family lawyer Richard Harris said. “Whether it’s the 401(k), an underwater house, a pension, the kids’ college, custody and visitation, it’s 1,000 percent better to work it out without a judge.”

Though no hard numbers exist as to how often divorcing couples hammer out their own final settlements, Colorado Judicial Branch statistics seem to indicate more are, at the minimum, cooperating with each other.

Another item not tracked by court statistics are post-nuptial contracts, which are delicately balanced on the premise that the couple had no intent of splitting when they were drafted.

“Interestingly, a post-nuptial agreement by law can’t be made in contemplation of a divorce,” Harris said. “It’s not intended as divorce planning.”

As much sense as it might be to have one, especially in a day when many couples are in second marriages and shared assets can criss-cross complex family trees that include stepchildren, asking for a post-nuptial agreement still gives the wrong signal, experts say.

“It’s a great tool for estate planning, but the word itself, nine times of 10, the knee-jerk reaction is that it means there’s divorce in the air,” said Lili Vasilef, president of the International Association of Divorce Financial Planners.

“The trends in divorce are that more individuals are seeking to craft their own settlement agreements through mediation and collaborative divorce,” Vasilef said. “When the economy tanked, so many Wall Street types were tossing in the towel, too happy to get divorced because there wasn’t anything left to divide or negotiate. That’s different today.”

That’s precisely how it was seen by 52-year-old Simon, a Lakewood computer professional who asked that his last name not be used to protect his children’s privacy. He had a successful career in Los Angeles that tanked with the economy, taking his marriage with it.

“I held on for about three years, watching as we suffered through unemployment, went through minor savings, a car and a house,” Simon said of his 28-year marriage. “There really wasn’t a lot left to parcel out when it was basically over.”

Once Simon landed a job and the fiscal future looked more upbeat, he and his wife agreed to divorce. A long court fight wasn’t anything either wanted to face.

“Not only does it drag out and cost so much, there’s no point in getting stuck on stupid sentimental and emotional stuff,” he said.

Negotiating their own division of assets “wasn’t a cakewalk,” Simon said.

“It was devastating,” he said. “But the other side of the coin wasn’t appealing either.”

Read more: Mediation in divorce on the rise – The Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/business/ci_19797362#ixzz1kPtQ9vb9

Family Mediation Services is a leading and experienced Divorce Mediation and Family Mediation firm in Denver Colorado. Handling all matters regarding mediation of divorce and other family disputes. Kristi Jensen is a professionally trained, certified family mediator.

Family Mediation Services
4601 DTC Blvd. #1000
Denver, CO 80237
303-346-1670 (phone)

I recently had some experiences in mediation that I would like to share with you. I believe that mediation is the best way to resolve a divorce or any other dispute because it has the parties going through a process where they are actively involved. They make decisions that impact upon their lives with the aid of the mediator and their attorneys. It is a way to stay out of the court. It is cost effective, and works in most divorces.

The problem in some mediations is the attorneys. A good attorney believes in mediation and will encourage it as a tool to try for a settlement on an amicable basis. When done in a hands-on manner and properly handled, mediation should be a win-win procesdure.

A mediator I was working with recently told me that he saw a well known divorce attorney talking to a client in one of the corridors of the court house where I practice. This attorney was telling his client that mediation will not work. He told his client to only do what he told him. He also said that the client should not make any decisions unless it is agreed to by the attorney. This is a recipe for disaster and failure. If the client is encouraged to go into mediation with that closed mind attitude, then it is doomed to fail. Keep an open mind. Be willing to negotiate. Being willing to explore options and not always relying upon your attorney can lead to a successful mediation and settlement of your divorce. Remember, you live with the results; your attorney does not.

Two weeks ago I was in a mediation with a fairly complicated divorce case where both parties were far apart on their beliefs of what would be a fair settlement. I represented the husband and the wife was represented by an attorney who also believes in the mediation process. We had a very experienced mediator who uses a shuttle diplomacy approach. In this approach, each party will prepare a mediation summary in advance. The mediation summary is a history of the marriage, information regarding children, work, income, assets, liabilities, and what each party wants and the reasons for the request. This is reviewed by the mediator in advance. The mediator will then have the parties in separate conference rooms, with husband and his attorney in one conference room, and the wife and her attorney in a second conference room. The mediator then goes back and forth talking to the parties and their attorneys. At times, the mediator will talk to the respective attorneys alone. Everything discussed is confidential unless the mediator is allowed to disclose some information to the other party. In this case, because everyone was invested in the mediation process, after a few hours, a compromise was reached, and the case settled.

On the other hand, I was in a mediation a couple of weeks earlier in a fairly contentious divorce where my client wanted to settle, and his wife wanted to settle as well. The problem was her attorney, who did not want to settle. He did everything possible to make the mediation fail. He refused to negotiate, took outrageous positions, and told his client not to talk alone to the mediator and not to do anything unless he, the attorney, agreed. Of course, after a couple of mediations, this third mediation session failed as well. My client and his wife wanted to continue negotiation and mediating, but the attorney told his client to get up and leave, which they did. The case was coming to trial, and both the husband and wife had reached a point where they wanted to settle and save the many thousands of dollars in additional attorney fees that a trial would cost. After the mediation, I encouraged my client to talk to his wife. The two of them did. They reached a settlement on their own. I reduced it to writing, forwarded it, both parties signed it. This was then sent to the wife’s attorney, and his response was to send a letter to me demanding a lien to guarantee his attorney fees. In this case, the wife had been demanding a bill from her attorney for several months, and when we put the settlement on the record, she stated this, he presented her a bill for the first time at the court house, the court allowed us to take some time, she reviewed the bill, they then reached a compromise, and that was resolved as well. This is a situation where attorneys can cause many problems, and often hinder not only the mediation process, but settling a divorce case as well. The attorney, in this case, was more concerned about his fees than doing what was right for his client.

I would like to close with final thoughts about mediation.

1. If handled properly, it is an excellent process.
2. Make sure that your attorney believes in it. Talk to your attorney early in the case and discuss it.
3. Remember that your attorney works for you, and not the other way around.
4. Be prepared to spend time negotiating, mediating, and where necessary, compromising. A good settlement is one where everyone compromises.
5. If your attorney tells you that mediation will not work, or is strongly opposed to it, then perhaps it’s time for you to change attorneys.

Family Mediation Services is a leading and experienced Divorce and Family Mediation firm in Denver Colorado. Handling all matters regarding mediation of divorce and other family disputes. Kristi Jensen is a professionally trained, certified family mediator.

Family Mediation Services
4601 DTC Blvd. #1000
Denver, CO 80237
303-346-1670 (phone)

Posted: 7/27/11 12:51 PM ET

On the subject of divorce proceedings, Colorado’s Family Law Institute has gained its first keynote speaker: Alec Baldwin. On the subject in fact, the actor couldn’t be clearer. Baldwin’s only book, “A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce,” is a memoir about the costly process that he argues needs to change from the inside out.

Each year the Colorado Bar Association hosts an intimate gathering of lawyers who specialize in family and divorce law for a three-day seminar focused on improving the practice. This year family attorney Brenda L. Storey, a partner at McGuane and Hogan, LLP, nabbed Baldwin as the keynote speaker for the theme, “Say You Want A Revolution” (inspired by the Beatles song) and cites his book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce as the main reason why she selected him.

A selection that Storey admits, has raised some questions. In 2007 the Emmy-winner attracted worldwide media criticism when a message he left on his daughter’s voicemail was leaked to TMZ.com and cost him a suspension in his parental visitation rights, according to the Washington Post. Baldwin’s joint custody with Ex Kim Basinger was later reinstated however, and he made a public apology to his-then 11-year-old daughter on The View.

“I was getting a lot of, ‘Why would you get Alec Baldwin to speak?’ but a lot of lawyers even, didn’t understand that he wrote a book about the system and suggestions for fixing it. When they heard about the book, they understood,” Storey told The Huffington Post.

“I’m not saying every lawyer that practices family law, needs to listen to me or Alec Baldwin, but he does present some real insights from the other side. What our theme really means is a revolution of our system itself. That’s where Mr. Baldwin came in. He wrote a book about the ugly side of the system, he provides a voice about the system and gives suggestions for change.”

In his book, Baldwin writes that his own divorce and custody battle took more than six years and $3 million in legal fees. He further describes the emotional costs of the family litigation process as a cruel battle that promotes more irreparable damage for all parties involved than closure.

“To be pulled into the American family law system in most states,” Baldwin writes, “is like being tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged down a gravel road late at night. No one can hear your cries and complaints, and it is not over until they say it is over.”

Part of the problem, Storey says, is that law school doesn’t adequately prepare students for this specific area of law.

“We jump in and tear them apart, but they are the ones who have a kid to raise,” Storey said.

“Additionally, there are judges who push divorce cases through at their own pre-determined one-size-fits-all pace, without giving the parties and their case and their family the time truly needed for their particular circumstances. It is easier to get a one-week personal injury trial on some dockets than it is to get three days for a final hearing in a divorce case that impacts every aspect of a family’s future. Also a problem is that some judges do not enforce orders. They give second, third, fourth chances, that send a message that compliance is optional.”

The kickoff will cost lawyers between $115 and $1,150 to attend, with all proceeds going to Colorado’s Legal Aid Foundation–which provides free legal assistance to low-income individuals and was reportedly all Mr. Baldwin’s idea.

www.divorcemediationdenvercolorado.com

Kristi Jensen of Family Mediation Services is a certified Colorado family mediator with 16 years experience in divorce mediation and child custody cases in Denver and throughout Colorado. She also manages the Divorce and Custody Clinic in Denver District Court.